I have been thinking about what the most important skills of a respectful parent would be. I have created a list of 5 things I feel have the most impact but are also really easy to do, they just take a bit of conscious practice. Kind of like the 5 senses. These could be the 5 ‘senses’ of a respectful parent 🙂
1. See
See the child for who they really are. Not what you think they should be, not what other people tell you they should be, but truly seeing them as a whole person. We acknowledge what they are capable of and we celebrate the skills that they are developing. We dedicate some time to observing them to really try to understand what they are thinking, feeling and doing. Observations can be done during a specified time or ‘on-the-go’ as you go through your day. The important thing is that we take something from it. We learn about our child, we can then provide them with whatever it is they need. See the world from your child’s perspective, you will no doubt find new appreciation for the little things
2. Listen
Take the time to really listen to your child. We often rush through conversations, giving our children words to say, if they are stumbling, finishing sentences off for them, or just assuming what they mean. Slow down, children need time to process language, whether it is something you say or something they want to say. Take a moment and listen, give them the chance to express what they really want to say. Let their brain work and make those connections. Model good listening, show them that they have your full attention, that what they are saying is important to you, that you value it. They will learn that when someone is talking, this is how you listen. We often interrupt our children and then expect them to not interrupt when we are talking…can you see the paradox here.
3. Feel
Make an effort to see the situation from your child’s point of view, empathise with however they are feeling. Remember that all behaviour is a message, it is a symptom of how regulated or dis-regulated a child is feeling. Get curious about what the root of this behaviour could be. Why are they feeling like this, why are they acting like this? When you look at it from your child’s perspective you can address the cause rather than just dealing with the symptom. Some behaviours also need addressing, for example if there is risk of harm to your child, another or objects. Stop the undesired behaviour but stay close, chances are the child needs connection. Reframing ‘attention-seeking’ for ‘connection-seeking’ empowers us to see the behaviour as a cry for help rather than a malicious act.
4. Pause
Before responding, take a few seconds to pause. This can often be a huge help when we are feeling stressed ourselves. Children pick up on our emotions and will mirror them. If we respond from a place of anger or frustration, guess what we will get back in return? It might not be immediate, it might manifest itself as destructive behaviour, hitting a sibling or meltdown but it will find an avenue. When we can take a short pause, enough time to stop our immediate reaction, to think logically for a split second, to calm our intense emotions and clear our head from the rage building inside. We are then able to respond with a different attitude. We can then impose a logical consequence, deal with the disruption, remember that our child’s behaviour is a symptom and get curious about what could have caused it. We can turn it into an opportunity for connection rather than an erupting argument, where everyone feels crap.
5. Talk
What we say holds such value in our children’s eyes. Our tone of voice has the power to shift emotions. We are the adults and our response can escalate or de-escalate any situation. What we say to our children becomes their internal voice. If we put them down, criticise, diminish, berate they will grow up thinking that is their worth. They will not stop loving us but they will stop loving themselves. If we can uplift, encourage, inspire, motivate and validate that will also become their internal monologue. We need to choose our words carefully to ensure that we convey messages that express what we mean. This is even more important with children because what we say means so much to them. However, almost in the same breath I’m going to say that more important than the words we say is our supportive presence. Sometimes, when emotions are wild and tensions are high, a hug can be the best form of communication.
Is there anything else you would add to these? Let me know in the comments.
Photo by Guillaume de Germain on Unsplash
