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Unlocking the Benefits of Risky Play: Why It’s Essential for Your Child’s Development

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When at 2 years old my daughter was on top of the climbing frame in our garden, our friend who was standing next to her asked me: “How are you not freaking out at this?” I couldn’t explain it in one sentence. I ended up saying “I know what she can do and I trust her to know too.” But I feel like that there is sooo much more to it…

First of all, it didn’t happen overnight. To a friend or family member who hasn’t seen your child for a while then they suddenly see them climbing a tall structure, of course it can be uncomfortable. But I have watched her climb things since she was a baby. I have observed her every single day as her movements and skills develop. I have been there to catch her when she stumbles and comfort her when she falls. My trust in her abilities has grown alongside her developing skills and confidence. She has practiced these skills many times and I have spent hours observing her climbing, jumping, balancing etc.

The two things that have helped me get over any worries or concerns that I have about allowing my children to engage in risky play are 1) understanding the developmental benefits of it and 2) (and I cannot stress this enough) observation.

Why is risky play important?

Through risky play children learn what their bodies are capable of. Their bodies are constantly growing and changing, so they need to constantly check what they can and cannot do. They learn how to assess and judge risks themselves. They learn determination, persistence and focus. Peter Gray, an evolutionary psychologist who is a strong advocate for free play, talks about the benefits of risky play. He says: “In risky play, youngsters dose themselves with manageable quantities of fear and practice keeping their heads and behaving adaptively while experiencing that fear. They learn that they can manage their fear, overcome it, and come out alive.”

How can we as parents learn to be ok with risky play?

Being ok with risky play does not mean that I sip coffee while my kids are climbing steep rocks. I am always observing and I am always close. With my 4year old, because we have been doing this a while, I feel a bit more comfortable letting her explore. With my 2 year old twins, we are just beginning this journey. When I see one of them going for something I consider risky the first thing I do is calmly walk over and stay close without necessarily saying anything. And then I observe. Is he concentrating, is he looking where he is going, is he aware of what he is doing, is he being cautious or is he being careless? Depending on what I observe I know how to respond. Over time, I learn how they move, I learn how they behave and I learn to trust they are not unsafe, I know what they are capable of. This helps me calm my worries when I see them doing something risky.

How can we support our children when they are doing something risky?

Paradoxically, when our children are doing something we see as dangerous, shouting “be careful” is the least helpful thing we can do. It can actually distract the child at a point where they should be 100% focused on the risky activity. If our children hear panic or fear in our voice, they will mirror that and could also start panicking. It instills doubt, it shows them that we doubt their skills, that we don’t trust them which in turn will make them doubt themselves. It also doesn’t actually provide any helpful or specific information.

What can we say instead:

  • Tell the child about the risk: “This branch looks quite wobbly. / These rocks look slippery.”
  • Bring awareness to their body: “Do you have a good grip? / Can you hold your balance?”
  • Ask what their plan is: “What’s your plan to get down? / What could you hold on to?”
  • Make suggestions if they get stuck: “Could you try the other side? Hold onto this while you step down.” With younger children you can gently guide their hand or foot while you suggest. With older ones (that are out of your reach) calmly explain what you can see and where they can go next.

If you have said “be careful” no need to beat yourself up about it, it’s our instinct to want our children to be safe. Also, there’s no need to throw yourself or your child in the deep end. If you are not used to doing risky things, start small. When doing all this, you and your child both need to feel comfortable. Slowly, your trust and their skills will grow hand in hand. And if you’re still not sure, remember that the benefits seriously outweigh the danger. What would you prefer: your children taking calculated risks with you there, having experienced assessing various risks and knowing you will always have their back; or your children taking careless risks when you aren’t there to help, having no experience of what it means to risk assess or not being fully aware of what their bodies are capable of? 

How do you feel about risky play? Tell me in the comments.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

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